Are they flirting with you?

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Are they flirting with you?

If you’re wondering this, the answer is often yes. But the real question should be *why* are they flirting with you?

There are hundreds of articles which will tell you how to look for signs of sexual attraction in someone. Not everyone is an expert in body language but often instinctively we notice those little clues.

Sometimes they aren’t so much clues as huge banners, like your crush literally telling you they find you sexually attractive and why.

Yet still that little question mark still lingers. Do they?

Let’s face it, “are they flirting?” is not necessarily what we’re asking. The real question is why is that person is flirting and where in their minds they were hoping to take it?

Some people flirt because they don’t know any other way to interact with an attractive person

Mostly this is a cishet thing, the rest of us having figured out it’s ok to talk to the gender/s you’re attracted to without it becoming a big deal.

The reality however is some people never learnt how to talk to someone attractive from the opposite gender without being flirty. I have no idea why. It’s highly frustrating, makes people feel objectified, and also has a habit of making monogamous people annoyed.

Look at the way they interact with others, if flirting is a habit, don’t give their actions a second thought. Except perhaps to tell them to quit with you.

Some people genuinely are just friendly

Not that many, sure, but some people are just big smiley, warm people who are naturally loving and great with compliments.

I adore those people.

They make my life better and I feel myself becoming a warmer, kinder person just by being around them.

I don’t think they’re trying to hit on me, but I often wish they were because they’re so damn excellent and I need that kind of person in my romantic heart too.

Maybe they’re really attracted to you and don’t realise they’re flirting

That’s excellent right? You’re free to hit on them and live happily ever after.

Not quite.

Flirting doesn’t mean someone is ready to make any kind of romantic or sexual connection with you. There could be any number of reasons it wouldn’t be appropriate to them.

Ask them.

But remember, no one owes you sexual attention of any kind for whatever reason.

They like to be adored

I find this the most confusing. I’m clear to read. If I’m flirting, it’s because I would consider having sex with you. That doesn’t mean I’ll ever choose to make it actual rather than virtual, but it will be about that person and not my own ego. If I just want attention, I’ll post some selfies on Instagram like everyone else.

But some people really like to feel the excitement of attraction, so they’ll flirt to receive some flirting back. Maybe their partner/s don’t try to make them feel special; or maybe they don’t feel attractive without outside validation.

Either way, it’s not about you and that sucks a bit.

Someone else flirted with you

Because nothing makes a person as attractive as someone else wanting them, right?

No, I don’t understand this one. Probably because I’m neurodiverse.

But proving they’re as good as someone else because they can also have sexual attention of their choosing seems to be a thing for some people.

When you’ve figured out when someone is interested in you, there’s also the question of the level of their interest

Look, I’ve watched romantic comedies.

If your flatmate/ boss/ best friend’s boyfriend is showing signs of sexual affection towards you that means they’re in love with you. You just need a few little bumps and then you’ll be in love *forever* right?

I wish.

Why does popular culture even put this idea in our heads?

Whenever I meet an attractive person my imagination already skips all the boring bits and cuts to the “we’re squishies forever” stage.

I can disappoint myself without even giving my new object of desire my name.

I don’t need them to disappoint me by getting bored and wandering off to make cute eyes at someone else instead.

Why are they flirting?

I don’t know, but it’s ok to ask.

Written by

Rantings of a polyamorous, pansexual, switch-bitch bipolar-bear warrior. No expert, no guru, just navigating my world www.timetravellingivy.com

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