Good, Game, and Giving? Keep it. I want Respectful, Reliable, and Regularly in contact.

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Image credit: TimetravellingIvy @ Medium

Are you GGG (Good, game, and giving?) It’s something Dan Savage talks about a fair bit as being an important quality within partners.

I’ve met a lot of people who’ve professed to be these things, but they haven’t really worked out so well for me.

Good, game, and giving is excellent, but it’s the second level of needs for me.

Having just started a relationship where my partner has the three R’s I can see where looking for a GGG guy has left me missing some important factors.

A few months ago, I made the decision to do better for myself within relationships. I decided not to accept any flakiness, or misogyny, or lack of respect.

Going by my past lack of success in these areas I realised it may be awhile before I found someone who wasn’t any of those things if they existed at all.

But I kept going.

I said no a lot.

And I mean a lot.

No, you haven’t been in contact for two weeks, so I don’t want to go on a date with you. I’m not a backup plan when your other options fell through.

No, I’m not going to continue communicating with you when you haven’t bothered finding out anything nonsexual about me.

No, I’m not going to allow you to use inconsistent communication and attention to make me anxiously attached to you.

No, I’m not going to make all the effort

On many occasions I very nearly faltered and gave up, but I knew I was much better off without anyone who made me feel anxious, self-critical or neglected.

What do I mean by RRR?

These factors for me are now the baseline. I won’t start anything without them, whether it be a long-term relationship, a friends with benefits situation, or a dance buddy.

Respectful

This really is just the basics, right? Surely everyone is respectful?

If only!

For me respect is about them understanding I’m a human being who has my own set of wants and needs. If someone is making it clear what they desire without asking my expectations I think they’ll fail on the basic respect element.

If they’re looking to contact me on a whim or as a backup plan, they aren’t being respectful.

If they aren’t clear about what they want or are trying to chase me into oblivion because they like “hard to get”, they aren’t respectful.

Reliable

We all have things which get in the way of dating. No one expects a life without a little conflict and disaster every now and again. It’s ok to cancel. What’s not ok is expecting that person to plan around you all the time.

What’s also not ok (and is a bit of a red flag to me now) is not really being dedicated to meeting when you make a date. Putting something in the calendar with only a half expectation of making it says that person thinks their time is more important than mine.

Any hint of this and my wheels are kicking up dust on the tarmac. I don’t think it’s too much to expect someone to commit to spending time with me and commit to making it happen before they firm up the appointment.

Regularly in contact

I’m not talking about every hour (dear goodness no, please no). I’m not even particularly talking about every day, but if someone wants to have any kind of sex with me, they need to put in an effort. That means responding to messages within a reasonable time frame. It means not going missing for two weeks then popping up like nothing happened.

For you that might also mean regular phone calls or taking the time out for zoom chats.

I’m quite flexible on how soon I expect a response to a message. It depends a lot on the question I’ve asked. If I want to know what someone wants for tea in thirty minutes I need to know now. If we’re finalising when and where to meet, I need to know in a few hours to help me plan. A conversation about whether Richard III killed the Princes in the Tower can wait a few days for sure.

I expect as much contact once we’ve started dating as you gave me when you were chasing me. That’s a given.

And if you’re a bit rubbish when you’re in chase me mode I have zero confidence for your ability to keep up any kind of messaging when you aren’t.

I don’t need forever, I don’t need all-encompassing romance, but I do need every sexual interaction to be RRR. That’s my foundations.

What’s your baseline? What factors are you completely unable to do without in any romantic or sexual connection? What are you going to do to ensure people stick to them?

Written by

Rantings of a polyamorous, pansexual, switch-bitch bipolar-bear warrior. No expert, no guru, just navigating my world www.timetravellingivy.com

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