Hey fuckboi, whatcha doin?

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Photo credit: Timetravelling Ivy @ Medium

The dreaded fuckboi. We have the idea in our heads their behaviour is all about casual sex, that mythical ‘no strings attached’ bouncy fun which comes with no expectations. Honestly? I like no strings too. There’s nothing wrong with casual sex. At all. Be slutty, good people.

But fuckbois… this is where they differ. They also want a connection. They don’t want to be just a body to you, they need more than this. For me, this is what’s most damaging about the brief dalliance you have with a fuckboi. It’s not about casual sex. If it was, they’d most likely message you, screw you, and leave you in one night. They’d probably still check you got home safely too, because they’d have no need for any guilty emotions or fears you’d shout at them. Everyone would win.

It’s not about casual sex

Fuckbois are looking for validation. Their fragile egos need the emotional candy hit of someone finding them attractive. It’s an addictive spiral. It’s not about just believing they have a beautiful body; they want you to validate their personality. They work hard to make you like them. They enjoy the game of winning your trust and want to put the effort into encouraging you to engage.

Borrowing techniques from narcissists, they reflect your personality back at you, liking what you like, listening to what you’re hoping for and repeating. They love bomb, tell you how special you are, give you compliments. They’ve never met anyone like you. But if you listen hard enough the compliments are empty.

You’ll also hear a lot about them. They want you to like them. Your adoration and trust are what they need.

Hey, they’re such “nice guys”.

Listen to him talk about how great his job is and how much he earns. Hear him talk about how kind he is to his mum and how he cried once at Bambi. Not only this, they’ll pay for everything, open the doors for you, and give you lots of eye contact. Your dinner will be fancy and yes, the waiter will act as though they know them. They probably do.

But their addiction to validation is such, it’s not enough to spring from one well. They’re addicted to the heady feeling of brand new sexual partners, not because they like the new bodies and excitement but because they need their praise from multiple sources. When you’re on your date they’re already talking to other people. When you’re in bed with them they’ve already highlighted their next victim.

Then just like a narcissist, they’ll discard you.

How can you spot a fuckboi? My first clue is they usually don’t have a lot of info on their profiles. Not everyone with an empty profile is a fuckboi but in order to reflect your likes and dislikes back at you they need to not have a long list of their favourite bands and hobbies. Or their profile might be lengthy but if you look it isn’t really about them. It’s a lot of words about how they like romance and how they need a deeper connection.

The second clue is often their intro will be well practised. I eye roll at the ‘hey’ messages, but this isn’t necessarily fuckboi behaviour. Fuckbois have been playing this game a long time. They probably have a response they’ve learnt works for them. It will sound interesting and make you want to engage. They will ask you lots of questions.

Fuckbois aren’t going to start the convo with ‘let’s meet’ or ‘when are you free?’ That’s not part of their game.

They want to spend time chasing you, they need to understand what you’re about. Then they’ll compliment you. Often, you’re going to get a few shirtless photos. Remember, they want validation. Then they’ll start testing your boundaries. Maybe you’ll pass their test and you’ll get a few dick pics. Maybe you won’t and they’ll disappear. Then they’ll come back. They’ll disappear and come back a few times. They might cancel on you last minute. Then they’ll love bomb again.

When you set up a new profile they’ll be first in your inbox. The fuckboi is the dating app’s best customer. They’re continually in search of new profiles and will usually pay to see their ‘likes’. The algorithms like them because they make matches easily, they pay, and they’re just so active. So much so, I’m waiting for the day the Tinder option I’m given for ticking why I’m deleting isn’t ‘not my type’ or ‘made me feel uncomfortable’, but instead ‘Fuckboi’.

Once you get used to spotting them you’ll see the signs instantly. Red flags blowing in the breeze all over your apps.

It won’t be long before another fuckboi match comes my way. But this time maybe I won’t be rolling my eyes and deleting, tempting as it may be. Instead, I’ll engage, maybe suggest they try therapy.

Rantings of a polyamorous, pansexual, switch-bitch bipolar-bear warrior. No expert, no guru, just navigating my world www.timetravellingivy.com

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