It’s no one’s responsibility to tell me I’m beautiful, but sex is so much better when they do

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Image credit: Timetravelling Ivy @ medium

Confidence comes from within, it glows like a super sexy aura. No one can give it to you if you don’t feel it inside.

It’s no one’s responsibility to tell you you’re beautiful.

Both these statements are true but let me tell you this:

Sex is *so* much better when the person I’m with is so very attracted to me, or at least is hard pretending to be!

That look in someone’s eye as they take in the curves of your body. The “ohhh my” mutter as you take your underwear off, bearing the parts facebook doesn’t allow you to show, for the first time. That shiver as they try to contain their desire for you a little bit longer.

No one has to tell me I’m beautiful, but it’s so appreciated when they do.

I’ve spoken a lot about my noetisexuality, but what I haven’t really discussed is how other people’s attraction to me builds my own sexual desire.

The energy someone gives off, sometimes even when they’re far away and just thinking about me, turns me into a horny, melty mess.

Words of affirmation are one of my love languages and the utter erotic delight I feel when someone gives me a genuine heartfelt compliment is explosive. I want to be admired. I want to be desired. I want to be wrapped up in a cloak of “I need you, and I need you right now”

It’s not because I lack confidence (although fair enough, some days I do), or because I don’t realise I’m beautiful, it’s because I’m sexually aroused by other people’s desire for me.

I would call it a kink, but can you call something so normal and basic a kink?

My friend and I were talking about this earlier and she said “I just want to be desired”

Just like some human beings find external motivation in the form of bonus’ or pay rises useful for work, I’m so much more motivated to enjoy sex if I feel as though the partner I’m with is delighted about the prospect of being with me. Call it feedback if you will.

It isn’t that I’m not intrinsically motivated, but I’m going to be a whole lot more agreeable and confident if I’m getting solid feedback noises.

You don’t have to show me how into me you are but I promise if you do you’ll see the difference between demure and going through the motions me and one woman porn show “I feel so great about myself” me.

It’s worth the extra effort and I’m sure it’s the same for most people.

It is, however, harder than it seems to dig deep and show someone how much you’re into them. I find it difficult to feel in any way vulnerable and showing a person I’m about to take my clothes off in front of how attractive I find them feels like a whole world of fragile. I get it. I totally understand why someone who is genuinely a whole mountain of into you can’t show you. (And similarly, why it’s so much easier for fuckbois who are performing a character and never plan on seeing you again).

But try. Pick up your sexy big person pants and give it a whirl.

Make the right noises, say the right things. Get ready to reap your rewards.

Written by

Rantings of a polyamorous, pansexual, switch-bitch bipolar-bear warrior. No expert, no guru, just navigating my world

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