“You don’t know you’re beautiful” Oh bore off!

Image for post
Image for post
Photo credit: Timetravelling Ivy @ Medium

“You don’t know you’re beautiful. That’s what makes you beautiful.”

Just stop.
(and I know that’s not good keywording but whatever)

Women aren’t more beautiful because they don’t know it. What kind of 19th century novel are we living in that this ridiculousness is still spouted?

Look, there’s about 25% of my life I don’t know I’m beautiful.

It’s called body dysmorphia and intense self-hate.

Sometimes it manifests as “I’m too beautiful so that’s why everyone hates me” but mostly it’s “I’m a disgusting person with a body that’s a little too pudgy for slim and not voluptuous enough to be a big, beautiful woman. My face is not striking, it’s odd looking, and any time I look good in a photo it’s because I’m good at photography.”

That’s what “you don’t know you’re beautiful” looks like. It isn’t shy, demure kittenish women looking at you through long eyelashes saying “oh really? I had no idea”. It’s not a woman who doesn’t realise all the men are looking at her.

Not knowing you’re beautiful is a million selfies posted up in the hope the comments will be kind and spoon feed you the validation you can’t find within.

It’s staring longingly at every woman’s body but your own. It’s the darkness which makes you reach out to partners and beg them to tell you they love you just the way you are.

It’s not beautiful. It’s exhausting for everyone.

So no One Direction, you don’t want a woman who “doesn’t know she’s beautiful” especially if you’re one of those people who also call any request a woman makes for her emotional requirements to be met ‘needy’.

You don’t want someone who ‘doesn’t know they’re beautiful’ unless you’re looking for someone to gaslight and manipulate. If that’s the case, that woman definitely does not need you in their life.

Being a bipolar bear means 25% of the time I’m also grandiose and I love myself so much I would just sit and write poetry about how stupidly brilliant I am for days.

I mean, hey, I’m not saying I don’t do this. A grandiose girl’s gotta do what a grandiose girl’s gotta do.

I do take selfies in this brain phase, but it will be one perfectly styled and beautiful photograph which really encapsulates my delight in my own self. It probably won’t be anything anyone else thinks is beautiful as I’ll probably be wearing a tent with the names of everyone who’s ever annoyed me written across it.

Grandiose me doesn’t give a stuff what you think and won’t try and make you see my inner beauty. There’ll be no validation begging, no asking you for love and attention. It’s almost as though the version of me who does think they’re beautiful is way easier to deal with. But grandiosity isn’t the answer either, obviously.

It’s healthy for women to be confident about their looks. Every woman is beautiful if she holds her head high and believes in herself.

There’s no one way to look sexy or attractive and women who have accepted and acknowledged this glow from the inside. They wear the clothes they want to; they’ve made friends with the entirety of their body especially the wobbly bits, and they do things like let you look at them without wanting to hide and have sex naked. They’re also likely to be a whole lot more fun to be around because that inner strength flows into the rest of their life.

There’s no shame in not thinking you’re beautiful, but there certainly shouldn’t be any in thinking you do and I believe it’s a great thing for all women to be aiming towards.

Women who know they’re beautiful are not vain or “too much”, they are healthy and have often reached that place through an intense amount of inner emotional work. Don’t tell the world they’re wrong because they don’t fit your “good girl” mould. Celebrate their achievement because it’s a goal not everyone reaches.

Rantings of a polyamorous, pansexual, switch-bitch bipolar-bear warrior. No expert, no guru, just navigating my world www.timetravellingivy.com

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store