You’ve met the fuckboi… now say hello to the fuckedboi

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Photo credit: Timetravelling Ivy @ Medium

Dating and relationships have their own terminology and I admit it, I totally made this one up. I’m not even sorry because I bet you know exactly what I mean.

The original fuckbois wilfully play with you. Most of us can spot them easily and have no time for them.

The fuckedboi also messes with your head but because he seems so genuine and so in need of your sympathy we often miss the red flags.

We’re far more likely to engage and find ourselves disappointed, emotionally drained, and hurt. Again, this is a genderfluid term. I’ve met enough fuckedgirls and fuckednbs in my time too. But I’m going to give this blog post a big old ‘he’ label because it makes it easier to read. And I proportionally date more men than women.

He’ll seem perfectly normal; you might not have any inclination he’s going to cause you pain. He’ll be really trying to start with, either because he’s deluding himself that he’s ok now or because knows he’s a mess but wants to get on with his life. I’ll even go as far as to say he doesn’t deliberately set out to cause problems and that’s what’s even sadder because you’ll want to make everything ok for him.

There may be tiny clues in his profile. He might be saying ‘I’ve just come out of a relationship’ or ‘I need something casual and not heavy’ which shows a degree of self-awareness. If he’s completely blind to his patterns he might say ‘no drama’ instead.

Before you think I’m the meanest person in the world, I have no anger against broken people simply because they’re broken. I have severe attachment and commitment issues myself. I take time getting to trust people and have a habit of being icy or withdrawn at the start of a relationship. I’m very aware of this and I warn people right from the get-go I’m occasionally hard work and it’s something I’m continually working on every single day of my life. It’s difficult. It’s brutal. But I won’t be wandering around screwing people over because ‘I hurt’. It’s my responsibility to make that effort.

The fuckedboi on the other hand won’t tell you his story straight away. He’ll be attentive and cute, give you cuddles, meet your friends, tell them how wonderful he thinks you are. Everything is great. Until it isn’t.

He might disappear for a few days making you wonder if he’s a narcissist who’s finished in love bomb mode. He might go quiet or cancel on you without explanation a few times. Eventually he’ll pipe up and explain he’s hurting from past relationships. He doesn’t know how to trust. He can’t have a girlfriend right now; he needs to heal. Which would be incredibly sad but understandable if with those words he either fucked right off or transitioned your burgeoning relationship to friendship. If he does that, you’re all good. Slightly disappointed, but your life continues.

But he doesn’t do this.

Instead he transitions your relationship into fuckedboi terms.

He’ll mostly ignore you. He’ll ignore your texts, will be too busy to see you when you’re asking him to. But he’ll be straight there when he feels sad, horny, or wants validation. What’s the problem? He told you he couldn’t handle a relationship, didn’t he? He’s hurting. He hasn’t lied to you.

The problem is twofold. The first is the relationship is now all on his terms. He has sex when he wants it, he has emotional support when he needs it. And he’s completely open to pursue any other attachments he might want to. (I’m obviously talking from a monogamous context here…. This doesn’t apply in my polyam polar bear life) That’s still ok though, right? Not really. Mostly because it’s utterly exhausting having such a one-sided relationship. But also that wasn’t what you consented to. He baited and switched you.

The really damaging part however is the ‘I’m hurting so I can’t commit to any normal level of intimacy or behaviour’ routine means that (just like the original fuckboi) the fuckedboi’s communication mimics that of the narcissist. He gives you attention cookies then disappears. He repeats this until either he miraculously heals, thanks you for being such a good ‘friend’ and moves on; or you get so tired and worn down by the push-pull, will I see him or not this week, that you move on.

Fuckedboi might genuinely be hurting. He might also like you so much he’s scared to get too involved because he thinks you might hurt him. He might also be not really that into you and just hiding behind the hurt as an excuse to not make any effort but not lose you from his life either. After all, sad boys don’t want to be alone and he’s not actually having to waste valuable time or emotional resources on you since you’re fitting around him and carrying all the emotional labour. I mean why *would* he put a stop to any of it?

I know you think one day he’s going to open his heart and learn to love you. But you aren’t giving him any incentive at all to do so.

Why would he change the status quo? There’s no point. The only person losing out here is you because whilst you maybe stated your needs right at the beginning his hurt now takes precedent over you. And that then becomes your hurt. Healing emptional pain and learning to trust is hard. It takes effort and soul searching. It takes facing your shadow self and your fears, reliving pain and trauma, and finding new life patterns. But while you’re giving him a safe space to nurture his psychological issues, you’re piling on your own. Which you’ll then have to spend time working on.

So how does this end?

Mostly with you walking away and fuckedboi’s hurt and pain doubling because now he doesn’t have you.

He’s not ‘incapable of loving you’, he’s incapable of having an adult relationship and by not calling him out this far you’ve enabled his issues.

Maybe he’ll realise the error of his ways and you can move on and have a committed, equal partnership which is also fulfilling for you. If you’ve left it too long, you’ll be exhausted and not able to have any relationship until you heal. Which hopefully you’ll do without finding a fun playmate to leech emotional and sexual energy from.

Maybe you’ll find someone else who reminds you what it feels like to have a balanced enriching emotional attachment. And he’ll be all the sadder. Which he’ll deal with by deciding next time round he needs to be better and then immediately jumping into a new relationship.

He’ll repeat the same patterns except when he tells his new partner about his pain, he’ll be explaining how much it hurts to see you happy with someone else when that could have been him.

But he was just too broken.

Written by

Rantings of a polyamorous, pansexual, switch-bitch bipolar-bear warrior. No expert, no guru, just navigating my world

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